Babes In Toyland–Humorous Songs, Part Two
We are now going to explore two songs that were not in the original 1903 production but were added in 1904-1905. One is entitled, “Beatrice Barefacts” and was fashioned to ridicule the advice ladled out by the “Dear Abby” of that time period. The lyrics are a stinging rebuke to newspaper columnists:
MARY:
Dear Beatrice Barefacts, a country girl am I,
Next month I’m going down to town,
So tell me how to make a gown
Of scraps that I’ve put by.
I’ve carefully saved up
A skirt of purple plush,
With this it would be quite in taste
o wear a yellow velvet waist?
Your answer quickly rush.
MARMADUKE:
Tush! Tush! Tush! Tush!
Dear Maud you make me shiver,
That dress worn on a ferry boat
Would scare away the river.
MARY & MARMADUKE:
Oh, write to Beatrice Barefacts
Whenever you are in doubt,
Oh she will help you out,
She’ll put your doubt to rout.
The talented Miss Barefacts,
She tells a thing or two
n the Perfect Ladies column
Of the Woman’s Home Magoo!
MARY
Dear Beatrice Barefacts, I am a nice young man,
I do not drink or smoke or swear,
I tint my nails and bang my hair,
And cards and races ban.
My salary weekly is small
I beg to say
But I’d no longer dwell alone
Now would you wed and start a home
On eighty cents a day?
MARMADUKE:
Nay nay! Nay nay!
Dear Claude there’s nothing in it.
A home on eighty cents a day
Would last just eighty minutes.
MARY:
Dear Beatrice Barefacts, am I in love or not?
Since I a certain party saw
I sleep and smile and eat no more,
But weep an awful lot.
Whenever I meet him
I’m frozen to the spot,
My blood goes rushing to my head
I know my nose turns fiery red
Can this be love or what?
MARMADUKE:
Dear me! Dear me!
Louise it is a question,
You have a dreadful case of love
Or chronic indigestion.
Now, let’s listen to the song.
The second added song is the delightful “He Won’t Be Happy Till He Gets It.” The lyrics give you a taste of rebellious non-conformance, willful self-indulgence or hypocritical social behavior:
JANE:
There’s an apple growing on the tree
Just over Jones’s wall ‘
Tis the end, the end, the heart’s desire
Of ev’ry boy that’s small
It’s as green as grass, as sour as sin
But Billy Smith don’t care
And any time you pass that spot
You’ll find that youngster there
And he won’t be happy till he gets it.
JANE & CHORUS:
Though afterwards in cider he will shy
You bet your ev’ry dime
Someday that wall he’ll climb
For he’s going to get it by and by
And he won’t be happy till he gets it.
JANE:
In the middle of the car tracks
In the rush hour of the day
Stands a visitor from “J” Town
Who has plainly lost his way
He’s asking a policeman in blue uniform and star
“Oh tell me, Mister Officer, where can I get a car?”
And he won’t be happy till he gets it.
JANE & CHORUS:
Up and down the street the cars just fly
Bang! He dodges one all right
But there’s dozens more in sight
And you bet he’ll get one by and by!
And he won’t be happy till he gets it.
JANE:
A man said to a maiden once
“Now won’t you kiss me, dear?”
She said, “Oh no! Of course not,
Oh what a strange idea!”
The bashful man the subject changed and soon she cried,
“Oh my! Please look and see I think I’ve got a cinder in my eye!”
And she won’t be happy till he gets it.
JANE & CHORUS:
She didn’t think that he would be so shy
With two lips upturned to you
Pray say what would you do
When you found there was no cinder in her eye?
And she won’t be happy till he gets it.
And here is Korliss Ueker once again to sing the song.
Finally, we have a number that didn’t make it into the show but is, in itself, a wonderful take-off on petty crime and the criminals who try to make a living at this trade. The song we are providing (sorry, no lyrics) is from our Collection of 102 Songs not in Herbert’s shows; it is performed by George Dvorsky and Daniel Marcus and is entitled, “Don’t Be a Villain.”